Life

Look at that happy family

You had it better than me

Where was the childhood I needed

Why was it so bad

Why couldn’t I leave

And where would I go

It still haunts me today

I can’t live a normal life

People ask me what’s wrong

And I can’t explain

No medication will help

I am trapped

I can’t move on because it’s hard

Nightmares like no one understands

It’s consumed my life

I want to breathe

And be able to live

If just for one day

I want to feel what its like

To be able to trust and love someone like normal people do

Try telling screaming or crying for help

And get turned away

Left alone in the darkest part of your world

It’s frightening and scary and lonely

I live there everyday

Someday I pray for the light to make the pain disappear

He will tell me its ok you’re at peace now

What about those that hurt me

Where are they now and why did they do this

What did I do to deserve this

Why did God pick me to be hurt

Things in life I don’t understand

Things in life aren’t real like love and trust

I know God exists he answers my prayers

Maybe I should pray for the light while I’m still here

I want to live like a normal person.

My soul cries out with no one to listen

But I caught someone’s attention

He stuck around

Maybe its God’s answer to suffering for so long

Or just a way of saying it’s time to face this fear, you can do it, it’s ok

I wan to go to a big field with no one around and hear you talk to me

I need to help someone

I feel it’s why I’m here

Just listen to what I say

I’m a catalyst for him

My heavenly father will never let me down or make me cry

I wasn’t wanted then but I feel wanted now

He will never leave me astray

But I feel lost

I hit my head and don’t remember why it happened

I reach out and your not there

Twice this happened

To die scares me even though there is a better place

In my nightmares I am drowning and immediately awaken to fear and heavy breathing

They hurt me and I need to know why

I’ll never accept the word no because I need answers

I seek to hurt those who hurt me

It’s a pattern because of childhood

Even if 5 minutes please let me forget the past and step into today

I want to help those who are suffering

I feel lead to do things

I need to save the world

You are in my heart

You are in my soul

I cannot let that go

It’s a connection that no words can describe

I feel I’m holding on by a thread

I don’t get it

I’m giving up
Everyone’s knocked me down and I don’t want to get back up. I wish someone would step in and make it stop.
I want to live in another world where peace and love come together. I have my sight set on you and I always will. I hope I can make my future reality my permanent thought.When you’ve been pushed down and knocked around so much it messes with your mind so much that real true hearts become fiction for me. Wishing so much through the years for something, just one thing to be true. Somewhere out there lies the love you grasp on to having one day but would never recognize it. The warm hugs you so desperately seek in the beautiful surroundings of quiet.

Stillness

Some day he will miss you as much as you miss him
Someday he will want to hug you as much as you want to hug him
Someday he will want the moments back just like you
Today he will miss seeing your face in the light
Tomorrow he will miss walking in the rain
Yesterday was too late because it’s already passed
You will look into a dark window and see nothing
Just sit on the floor and wait for that hand to reach down on a stormy night
Things will never be the same
You’ll be forever lost cause the words spoken were wrong
Nobody can scream so quietly
It’s inner self most deep thoughts
Self reflection on all the bad things thats been done
It’s a repeating process
Once it rains harder the pain becomes stronger
Maddening deaf quiet harsh tones in the still of silence encompass all life while waiting for that sweet voice
But everything is and always will be black

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via Information Technology Positions — Job & Career News from the Memphis Public Libraries

Too Long

It has been too long for something I loved doing, to take a break and only return to see these words that meant so much to me now mean heart break.  I feel like I’m gasping for air and I have fallen beneath the surface because I know I will never see you, again.  Falling in love and being happy and being able to smile to falling into a deep depression.

I needed you. You were more than a friend, you were my brother and best friend. I know it was wrong but there was a chemistry. I’ve never felt this way in such a forbidden way.  Connected souls until it all crashed down with no way to be saved. I cannot function anymore. I’ll always love you

Motionless

Don’t let go
I’m playing for keeps
It took this long to realize how much you mean to me
But it’s too late
You decided not to stay
I am heartbroken
Who would play with someone’s heart
It’s not for sale
This is not a game
I am only human
And I break down too
It’s not what it seems
too much to perceive
I can’t bear the pain of being broken
Cause I’ve been there so many times
I want to be in your life
because your soul is endless
You hide and I sense the fear
I want to help
but the walls have been built and
you won’t knock them down
It hurts so bad I can’t sleep
Was this all a game

On a dark, rainy night

beautiful lonely dark quiet heart break, don’t look in my eyes you will see it, you will feel it, you will turn away,  the tears through the window in the shadow cast by the light, you will not know my pain it’s a struggle to say the words, the floor is cold I will wait for you to take my hand when you know my heart is yours and only yours

It’s True

 

I love you to death. 
I just wanted to say it because you won’t let me. 
I miss you but you already know it 
For as much as I am hurting I still reach out to you 
My childhood taught me that I will never learn or know better 
You don’t know what it’s like to trust someone and have it taken away abruptly What you see isn’t what you think 
Behind closed doors it’s dark and lonely 
I’m afraid and have to face it alone 
When all I want is a hug and to feel a sense of calm again, I can’t have that. You left me no where to find it

We were closer than anything but you let go 
Prayer doesn’t work when the very depths of our creator who allows pain is put upon you Drilling in your mind constantly 
Where are you when I needed it 
I faced many things alone 
I can’t apologize 
My words seem meaningless 
For once can I talk so you understand
I always seek out your attention but like always the back is turned like I am evil and had done something wrong

I’m nothing to nobody

But something to somebody